Hilarious!

SURGERY IS EASY.
BY WENDY MOLYNEUX

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Lately, I have been watching a lot of television shows about doctors,such as ER, the one with the guy from Garden State, the one with sexydoctors, the one with the doctor who has a limp, and the other onewith the sexy redheaded doctor. One thing I've noticed in watchingthese shows is that all the doctors act like it's hard to do surgery.They might say:"We'll have to operate. It's extremely risky."Or:"This is a risky operation, but we'll have to take the risk of doingthis operation."Or:"Let's go have some sex."This makes me angry, because if we keep acting like surgery is hard,then we'll be too intimidated to do surgery ourselves. I myself havebeen performing surgery since I was 11, and have completed at least 95successful operations, 7 of them successful.Wait, didn't I just say that all 95 of them were successful? Yes, theywere successful—because I tried. I guess every time a plane crashes,we'll call that an unsuccessful flight, too?This kind of negative attitude reminds me of my first surgery, a handimplant, in which I gave a patient an extra hand. It was electivesurgery, and I elected to perform it. Many people looked down on me
for taking such extreme measures. But before you judge me, remember totake a look in the mirror. Look into your own eyes and ask yourself,"Do I have enough eyes?" Maybe you should have three eyes. Let me addone for you.It's true that in ancient times, surgery was very hard, becauseold-fashioned surgeons only had primitive tools such as wood, rocks,and dinosaurs. But now we have fine modern tools and machines, likescissors, staples, fax machines, wood, and rocks.Is it better to go to medical school before performing surgery? Oh, Idon't know, do you really need to go to talking school before talking?Surgery is one of the most natural things for a human to do. Wheneverthey find ancient books or runes, scientists will find pictures ofcavemen performing surgery on each other. And then those scientistswill turn around and say that no one should do surgery without alicense. I guess maybe some of them could build a time machine and goback in time to give the cavemen a license. What? There aren't anytime machines? Well, maybe scientists should work on that instead ofcriticizing people who do surgery. Also, they are stupid.Now you are asking, how do I put my patients to sleep? Well, thinkabout this. People sleep every night. We are wasting millions ofdollars making people sleep during the day when we could just aseasily wait for them to fall asleep on their own and then go to town.People who are sleeping can't feel anything. That is proven. Wouldn'tit be great to fall asleep and then wake up and find that yourcancerous growth is gone, or that your foot is where your head is?That would be hilarious. Surgery isn't just easy; it's also a lot offun.I don't tell doctors not to enjoy their hobbies, like limping, havingsex, and being lame, so I would appreciate it if they didn't tell mehow to live my life. After a long day of work as a manager atEnterprise Rent-A-Car, nothing relaxes me more than dropping by thehospital and performing a few bypasses. So next time you see mesneaking out of the emergency room, instead of threatening me orchasing me down the street in your BMW, why not just slap me ahigh-five, buy me a beer, and then have a lot of sex with me like onthat show?